Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
