I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Houston, we have a blender
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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