my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
