i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
