My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
