im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
