I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i already hear my dad disowning me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
40s are totally the cure
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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