nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
