when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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