sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
