The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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