so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
