I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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