Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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