I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
