Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
