dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
It was confusing and full of hummus
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
