i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
God I need to hump something, right now.
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