I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
