Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
