My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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