Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
