let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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