She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am naked and annoyed.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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