i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
