I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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