I could make wine with my vomit
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize