On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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