tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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