my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
