they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
