coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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