there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize