I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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