i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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