oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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