whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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