Jerry, you need to find god
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
