U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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