Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize