Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
