"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
