It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
