My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
