So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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