Cold hands, warm shart.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
