I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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