I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
