Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize