1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
