i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
