Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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