a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
