I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
