the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
