are you still at the devil's house?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
