i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
